I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
