It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
