brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
