So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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