I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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