We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
