i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well I just put wine in my tea
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
