Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
