sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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