Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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