Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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