Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
