i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
