Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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