Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Randomize
