My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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