Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
