Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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