if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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