It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
