but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
