This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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