You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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