The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
