If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
