I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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