I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
