So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
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I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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