I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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