just tell him i said nine months
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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