It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Randomize
