dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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