dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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