No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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