I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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