Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
