u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
