Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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