I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
