i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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