i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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