Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
