I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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