Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
