i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
