I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
