I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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