It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
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I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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