He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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