Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
