Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
well you can't waste a boner
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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