I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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