Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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