You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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